


Starship RIMMER

by polymona



Category: Red Dwarf (UK TV)
Genre: Earth, Episode: s06e05 Rimmerworld, Gen, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Clone Incest, M/M, fiji
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-18
Updated: 2020-01-24
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:00:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22295215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/polymona/pseuds/polymona
Summary: Decades ago, on a wormhole-locked planet, where a few hours outside equaled six-hundred years, Arnold J. Rimmer seeded a planet with his own clones. He nurtured them and their descendants, ruling as the Great One for forty-three glorious years before being overthrown and locked in a dungeon for the remaining five-hundred and fifty-seven.Once rescued, he never looked back. But what became of his creation?Lister was thrown from his bunk into the floor. A gigantic ship five times the size of Red Dwarf had just exited light speed right on top of them, the energy blast from the engines rocking the ship violently.What was decades for us, was forty-million years on the planet-of-origin for the crew of the Starship RIMMER.
Relationships: Dave Lister/Arnold Rimmer
Comments: 9
Kudos: 39





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place anytime post Series X.
> 
> Math assumptions:  
> Few hours = 600 years and let's assume a few = 4  
> Chronologically Rimmerworld happened at least 25 years ago which is 9,125 days, 219,000 hours / 4 = 54,750 x 600 = 32,850,000 years = approx. 40 million years

Without any sort of warning, Lister was thrown from his bunk into the floor. A gigantic ship five times the size of Red Dwarf had just exited light speed right on top of them, the energy blast from the engines rocking the ship violently.

The Scouser groaned and rubbed the back of his head as he became aware of every single warning alarm and flashing light that started going off around the ship. 

~*~

The Dwarfers all piled into the control room as quickly as possible and set about accessing the severity of the situation.

“We are being hailed by the other ship, sirs!” Kryten exclaimed. “Punching it up.”

The Cat, Lister, and Rimmer watched with rapt attention as the face of woman flashed up on the viewscreen in between the speckles of interference.

“She looks human!” Lister blurted out.

The woman on-screen was wearing an elegant blue uniform, and bore a necklace with some insignia they couldn't quite make out due to the blurriness of the video. She was pale in complexion, her hair a light brown. Her mouth was moving, trying to speak to them, but they weren't receiving audio yet. The Dwarf’s equipment was apparently too primitive to receive it properly.

“Why is my name on the side of their spaceship?” Rimmer asked suddenly, with an understandably puzzled look. 

“What the smeg?” Lister glanced out the window as well, also seeing Rimmer’s name plastered in huge letters on the side of the strange vessel.

“I can’t bear if it has to do with another one of my brothers,” the hologram continued. “Seeing Howard was enough for the next few lifetimes.”

“Kryten, can you clear up the picture any?” Lister asked.

“I bet it's Frank”, Rimmer huffed. “Only that pompous git would be smug enough to name an entire ship after himself.”

“We have audio, sirs,” Kryten interjected.

_Thres es Rem erretain cappa gerandas Rimmer ingstar spen. Hav ewe sedsen fil ae rour ful ni spen chates ruou us. Tera es mm che to cussis deng, o allo tain ati. Peles pond rour res ocan ruou no._

“What smegging language is that?” Lister asked.

“Welsh?” The hologram offered with a shrug.

“I don't know, sirs, it doesn't match any known language in the databanks.”

“I think she's saying how fine I'm looking today,” Cat purred.

“She can't see us, man,” Lister added.

“If I may, sirs, I think we should try sending our language databanks, along with a simple universal greeting,” the mechanoid suggested. “It may help.”

“Do it,” the Scouser agreed, nodding.

The video started to clear up a little more as they awaited a response. They could make out what looked like a bridge/command center area. Lister watched as the woman appeared to react positively to something on her end, gave a nod offscreen then mumbled something else that he couldn't understand.

There was something about her that felt oddly familiar, but he just couldn't place it.

Just as suddenly, the message repeated, but the words slowly became understandable.

“This is Captain Rem of the great Starship RIMMER. We have sensed a life-sign on your ship that matches our own. There is much to discuss, if you would allow it. Please respond if you can.”

“Kryten, quick open audio channel!” Lister exclaimed.

The mechanoid quickly booped several lit buttons on the control panel.

“Greetings, ma’am” Kryten began. “We successfully received your translated message.”

“Ah!” The captain exclaimed, “It worked! This was our first attempt at using this universal translator. Your data files made that possible. Thank you. You have no idea how important it is that we have found you!”

“Who are you guys?” Lister asked with anticipation, “I thought I was the last human alive, _not counting timewarps and other dimensions_ , but we are reading thousands of people aboard your vessel. This is incredible!”

“Human?” The woman looked puzzled.” I don't know this word. Perhaps the translator is off. Commander, check the system is working.”

The Dwarfers looked around at each other with slowly growing concern.

At that moment, the video interference fully cleared, and they could now see a full crisp view of the captain and her bridge.

“Oh smeg,” Rimmer gulped.

The symbol bore on her necklace, was an ornate ‘H’, and in the background was a prominent artwork of an important religious figure- Emperor Rimmer, the Great One.

“I think we have the system straightened out now,” she chuckled. “As I was about to say, we are all Rimmer-lings of our home world, Rimmer. Pleased to be making your acquaintance.”

The hologram went pale as a sheet.

The Cat turned to him. “Hey, it's all of goalpost head's clones!”

“Shhhh! Cat!” Lister whispered in a panic. “Kryten cut the audio!” 

“Already have done,” Kryten replied.

They watched in disgusted awe as the woman on the viewscreen proceeded to do a dramatic send off in epic Rimmer fashion, with a double Rimmer salute that also appeared to be an attempt at drawing a large ‘H’ in the air in front of her.

The hologram's expression slowly changed from abject terror to furrowed judging at her technique which he found to be sorely lacking.

Lister elbowed him gently. "You teach them that?"

Rimmer glared back in response.

~*~

Approximately forty-million years earlier, _Rimmerworld-time_...

When Arnold J. Rimmer hatched the first cocoon after months of nurture he was disappointed to have ended up with an exact copy of himself. At least it was mostly a blank slate and didn't have his personality. Rimmer was well aware of how not-well he got on with himself. He decided to name the clone Arnold II and mostly ignore him in favor of getting back to work on a female clone. 

Arnold II was dependent on Rimmer to teach him basic skills like how to feed himself or build a   
shelter. After a month at collaborative failure to connect one log to another, Rimmer discovered the educational material included in the seed ship. There were books and learning tablets, but also seeds for something called a data-tree. Once planted, it grew fruit that when eaten would implant basic knowledge into a clone's system. Once Arnold II ate some, he was suddenly competent at building a shelter, growing food, and could read and speak basic phrases-and most importantly, crocheting. When Rimmer tried some he only ended up with holographic flatulence.

Once Arnold III was born, Rimmer was well on his way to having a small village built-thanks to Arnold II.

With the third clone, a couple of years into his planetary exile, Rimmer was finally successful at creating a female. Thinking himself Adam, he named her Jane.

Jane immediately shacked up with Arnold II-and sometimes Arnold III on the side, but not Rimmer, it was never Rimmer.

He tried again with Jane II and Jane III. They also took up with Arnold II. Had to have been those built-in woodworking skills, Rimmer told himself.

By the time Rimmer had created Arnold VI and Arlene I-III, Arnold II had fathered some dozen Rimmer-lings with his female selves.

It wasn't long until Rimmer had a budding society. A society for him to make in His own image. After the first dozen or so clones, he gave up on making more. The clones were much better and faster at making more of himself at this point. If they weren't eating or building they were bonking each other senseless. 

There were so many children that Rimmer had Arnold II build a school along with a temple to worship His Greatness. Each day the little Rimmer-lings would come to learn about what it means to be a Rimmer and how the Great One created them all in his image, as well as tales of the history of Earth-but only the best bits like Napoleon or the Roman Empire-as well as Rimmer could remember them, which was fraught with gross historical inaccuracies.

Soon a religion evolved around Emperor Rimmer, the Great One. They began to squabble over who was most holy, and it was only those they deemed to be the most Rimmer-like, those that fit His exact image.

The hologram ruled as an absolute god for four decades, until a disease appeared that he could not heal with the technology left in the pod, and the first death occurred. Arnold II was no more. _Why didn't you save him O Great One?_ They cried. After that, more questions came that Rimmer didn't have an answer to, and the replies he came up with did not satisfy. Doubt spread of his omnipotence.

Less than three years later they came for him armed with sharpened sticks as he sat upon his ornate wooden throne, the ringleader sporting an ‘H’ hastily fastened to his forehead.

_Kill this impostor that sits upon our throne. I am the true Great One._

Once they figured out they couldn't kill what was already dead, the Rimmer-lings restrained the hologram and built a stone wall around him. Each year a little more was added until a castle was built around the room. As more time passed and different Rimmers murdered and usurped and claimed the title of Great One, the original father of their people was forgotten.

Five-hundred and fifty-seven years later the malformed and distinctly un-Rimmer-like strangers came and just as swiftly disappeared with their rescued hologram companion.

But time and their story didn't end there. It marched on for the little Rimmer empire-an insurmountable amount of time. Great Ones rose and fell, those born 'malformed' and deemed un-Rimmer-like rebelled, society and they-themselves evolved among civil wars and upheavals in science and art and philosophy. They grew beyond simply being the descendants of copies of a single man.

Eventually, Rimmer archaeologists unearthed the ruins of a forgotten ancient temple, trying to discover more of who they are and where they come from. They find half-complete legends and drawings of Emperor Rimmer, the Great One, along with a journal containing the crazed writings of a madman containing nonsense about a place called Earth beyond the stars and being alive for six-hundred years.

There were still true believers of course, even hundreds of thousands of years later. They wore the holy 'H' symbol in their jewelry or clothing, along with the traditional royal blue vestments. They kept the name Rimmer holy, blessing all of their children with it in some way. Rim, Mer, Rem, Imme, Ri, Mm, Zimmer, were all top-of-the-chart names to start your child with success.

The legends of this 'Earth' passed down the generations fascinated them and so they dreamed of going beyond the stars. Being Rimmer's descendants though, it took them... _a while_.

~*~

“No no no, and finally no.”

“Rimmer, man, come on,” Lister whinged.

“There is no way I am setting foot on that ship,” Rimmer reiterated firmly. “I will not spend another near six-hundred years locked in a cell.” The hologram was shaking. “I can't go through that again.”

“I'm not asking you to,” Lister comforted.

Rimmer closed the door back to the storage cabinet that he was presently huddled in.

“What exactly happened on Rimmerworld?” Lister asked gently, pulling the cabinet door back open a crack. “It happened ages ago, but you've never really truly opened up about it.”

The hologram shivered as Lister scooted closer and offered a kind arm round his shoulder.

“They came from you, sure, but they are _human_ , and they aren't the same people that threw you in a dungeon.”

Rimmer looked up at him.

“You, Rimmer, _you_ created them. Isn't that brilliant? That they exist at all? You did that.”

The hologram's eyes still looked unsure.

“Kryten's scans of the ship have revealed amazingly advanced technology. Their engines may be able to take us back to earth in a handful of years, if we go meet with them and point them in the right direction.”

“I can't go over there like this! They'd recognize me instantly. My smegging portrait is hanging from their wall. My likeness is probably all over that ship!”

“Easy, man. We can fix up a wicked disguise, get you a headband to cover your ‘H’. Maybe even throw on the old Ace wig?” Lister wiggled his eyebrows slightly.

The hologram groaned and rolled his eyes.

_There is no winning in this situation. Smeg it all._

~*~

“Listy, how did I ever let you talk me into this? I look ridiculous.”

“You look great, man.”

“Are you blind?” Cat balked.

Rimmer's disguise consisted of a large red headband covering his forehand and tied back behind his Ace hair. He was also wearing one of Lister's old leather jackets that was way too short for him.

“You've made me resemble the main character of that horrendous- I hesitate to even call it a film- that you made me watch the other day.”

“Come on, Kung Fury is a masterpiece! They'll never catch on, you dressed like that.”

~*~

“But why does _he_ get to be the 'captain'?” the feline asked skeptically.

“While I am the highest ranking member aboard this ship, if I were to take the lead, I-”

“There would be too much focus on Rimmer,” Lister interrupted.

“Anyway,” the hologram snorted, “it seems the whole reason they are here is because they picked up Lister's life-sign.”

~*~

Starbug looked as a tiny speck as it approached the docking bay of the Starship RIMMER.

They were greeted by two young officers, male and female, also dressed in much the same manner as the captain.

The Boys from the Dwarf breathed a sigh of relief that they showed no signs of hostility. They were so used to being greeted by strangers pointing weapons their way.

Rimmer wrinkled his nose at the Cat's obvious ogling at the blonde woman. He noted her ornate ‘H’ earnings.

The hologram was unnerved by the other officer. It was almost like looking at his teenage self. He averted his eyes quickly, having stared too long. The young man eyed Rimmer skeptically before gesturing to the group to follow him.

“Well,” Lister commented, “at least I didn't have to ask them to _take me to their leader_.”

~*~

“Ah, so glad you accepted our invitation. Welcome. Captain Rem,” the captain greeted, extending her hand to her arriving guests.

“Acting captain of Red Dwarf, Dave Lister,” the Scouser responded, shaking her hand firmly. “This is my navigation officer, Cat, science officer, Kryten, and personal guard, Dangerous Dan McGrew.”

The hologram rolled his eyes and muttered under his breath.

“And these two which met you at your ship are Commander Merr, and Science officer, Imme, my son and daughter,” Rem added.

The two officers nodded toward their mother.

“Pardon me, Captain, ma'am,” Kryten said curiously, “But I couldn't help but notice as we walked through the ship, that we haven't seen many crew.”

“There are a hundred thousand sleeping souls aboard this ship, Mr. Kryten,” the captain responded reverently. “We planned for a long journey to a yet unknown destination. We man the ship with a skeleton crew on decade-long rotations, by family group. The crew you see now have been active for a few months, but our ship has been going much longer.”

Rem turned her attention to Lister, getting a little too much into his personal space.

“But you, Captain Lister may be our salvation. May you be blessed by the Great One!”

”Um-” the Scouser responded uncertainly.

As if on cue the Rimmer-lings closed their eyes and started signing ‘H's onto their forehead and chest. Imme and Merr also followed suite, yet Merr was visibly frowning while following along.

“His holy one's blessings be upon you and yours,” they chanted in unison.

Lister glanced over at the hologram, who groaned in a pained manner.

~*~

“Captain,” Rem began.

“Call me Dave.”

“Dave, I know this might sound an odd request, but I would ask you all go with Imme to the science lab and medical bay. I hope its not too intrusive to ask to give you a quick scan. You are the first Rimmer-ling life-sign outside our own that-”

“ _Human_ ,” Lister corrected quickly. “I'm human. You are _human_. Kryten's a mechanoid. And Ri- Dan here, he's-”

“I'm an electronic life-form,” Rimmer explained, cutting in. “Hologram. Composed of light.”

“And Cat is well, a cat,” Lister continued. “Felis sapien.”

“Hi,” Cat grinned and waggled his eyebrows.

“How fascinating!” Captain Rem exclaimed. “In that case, perhaps it would make more sense for your non-organics to visit engineering instead. Merr will escort you. Is that agreeable?”

The Dwarfers did a quick huddle.

“I don't like the idea of splitting up,” Rimmer whispered.

“Not sure if this smells right, bud,” the feline said, eyes drifting to Imme. “But its a sacrifice I'm willing to make.”

“They've given us no signs of hostility so far, sirs,” Kryten offered.

“Let's go along with it for now,” Lister agreed.

~*~

As the Cat and Lister were led into the med bay, Imme gestured towards two scanning tables towards the end of the room.

“Please take a seat. My colleagues should arrive any moment.”

The feline grinned up as her. 

“Is this one of those exams where disrobing is required?” Cat asked with a hopeful tinge in his voice.

Lister shook his head at the feline and laid back on one of the med tables, casually putting his arms back behind his head, absently waggling his foot around.

The science officer showed no hint of reaction to Cat's tone of voice and simply gave a friendly smile. 

“Not at all,” she responded. “You only need remain still and I will run the scanner over you.”

The feline pouted.

Lister studied the young woman as she stood over him, alternating between running the scanner and glancing at it's results. He had to admit she was gorgeous.

“I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but you look really young.”

“Captain Lister, I assure you, though I am only entering my twenty-fifth year next week, I am a highly trained expert in my field. You are in good hands.”

Just then, the door chimed and whooshed open.

“Ah,” Imme chirped. “Let me introduce you to my colleagues. This is Imsy, chief medical technician, and Erim, genetics specialist.”

“They're all identical,” Lister mumbled softly, gawking.

“I think I've had this dream before!” Cat exclaimed, pointing at the three women.

“How fascinating, a whole new species,” they said excitedly, looking over the feline's data.  
“What's the percentage of DNA compatibility?”  
“2 percent. Somewhat disappointing. That would require some very precise gene editing to be remotely feasible.”

“Officer bud-babes, you can edit my jeans anytime, especially if it’s to edit them completely off.”

“What about the other one?”   
“100 percent.”   
“Magnificent. Captain Rem will be very pleased!”

“Can I just ask one question,” Lister sat up. “What's all this about? Compatibility for what?”

The three science officers glanced at each other for a moment before answering matter-of-factly.

“Breeding.”

Lister choked on a non-existent beverage, “Smeg.”

“This day just keeps getting better and better!” Cat grinned widely.

“Apologies,” Erim said. “I didn't realize you hadn't been informed. Our ship’s mission is two fold- to find a new home for our people, and also to search out and assimilate new blood into our dying gene pool.”

“We haven't been able to reproduce naturally without the help of technology for many thousands of years,” Imsy continued.

“You may have noticed my sisters and I are triplets,” Imme added, “a common side effect of the procedures we are forced to use to be able to procreate at all.”

“That's erm-” Lister cleared his throat and hopped down from the table. “I'm just going-going to the little boys room, you know.” 

He scooted toward the door.

“Come on Cat.”

The feline just continued ogling at the lovely officers as if in a daze.

“Cat!”

Lister finally had to pull the feline by the shoulder out the door.

The ladies blinked at each other. 

“Did I scare them off?” 

“You _do_ have the bedside manner of a icy speculum, Erim.”

Imme sighed and continued to analyze what data they had managed to gather so far.

~*~

Cat and Lister dashed down the hallway, almost running over the young Commander Merr, who had just dropped off Rimmer and Kryten in engineering.

"Pardon!" He snapped at them and frowned. After a moment he sighed. "Look, If you are meeting up with your comrades, you are going the wrong way. Take a left and two rights. The first lift will take you straight there. Floor 592."

"Cheers."

"Suspicious and rude bunch they are," Merr mumbled and decided to discretely follow them.

~*~

"Pst! Rimmer!" Lister whispered, peeking into the doorway to engineering.

Rimmer was leaning against the wall to the side of the door, arms crossed, unamused by Kryten's excited rambling with the head of engineering. The hefty, white haired and mustached man walked with the use of a cane and was busy showing off to the mechanoid all the bits and bobs of his various projects.

The hologram frowned. The old git reminded him far too much of his alternate future, fat-bastard of a self.

"Rimmer!" Lister loudly whispered again through the doorway

"Hush, Listy, or they'll hear you. What is it?"

"We need to have a chat, just us."

"What's eating him?" Rimmer asked, gesturing at the Cat.

The feline was grinning ear to ear, stars in his eyes.

"Cat. Cat!” Lister said, shaking him. “Snap out of it."

~*~

“They want to- _breed_ \- with you.” Rimmer pursed his lips as this new information sank in.

“I say let them form an orderly queue,” the Cat purred. “You're crazy to say no to that, bud.”

“It's- It's just a really smegging weird proposition to throw at someone when you just met them is all,” Lister replied.

“It is an understandable if strange request, sirs, given their predicament, “ Kryten chimed in. “They've had only Mr. Rimmer's DNA to iterate through for presumably millions of years. It is frankly surprising that they have managed to survive at all with the pittance they started with.”

The hologram snorted and muttered under his breath. _I gave them the world for forty years and then they threw it back in my face. Bunch of weaselly stabbing backstabbers at heart._

Ear to the door, Merr listened to a conversation that he couldn't fully understand.

~*~

“Commander, what are you doing?”

“Captain!” Merr stood at attention, leaping away from his eavesdropping.

“Open,” the captain ordered, the door making a distinct whoosh sound.  
  
The Boys from the Dwarf stopped mid-sentence as they were confronted with Rem.

“Let's talk,” she said firmly.

~*~

“Apologies,” Rem began. “I should have been more forthcoming with our goals in inviting you onboard.”

The captain gestured for her guests to take a seat around the large conference room table. 

“I want to offer a trade,” she continued.

“Listening,” Lister responded.

“We have scanned your ship. Our technology vastly outclasses your own.”

“What is your proposal?" Kryten asked.

“Exchange of information and services,” the captain continued. “We will offer up the services of our ship and all it has to offer in exchange for information.”

“What kind of information?” Rimmer questioned.

“Help in finding our home world. We are all _human_ here, but we come from a colony which we know is not our planet of origin. According to our legends, it is a place called Earth, but even our best archaeologists and historians aren't certain.”

“And?” Lister asked.

“That you, Lister, service us.”

“Pardon?”

“It is no secret that we are dying. We need new blood. Will you be our salvation, Dave Lister?”

The captain leaned closer, dramatically.

“Will you save our human race?”

Lister paused in thought.

“Kryten, how fast are their engines,” he asked finally.

“If my scans were accurate, I would estimate several 1,000 times faster than Red Dwarf.”

“And Earth?”

“If they so choose, could presumably take us there in a few dozen years of stasis or less.”

“We can't abandon the Dwarf,” Lister said softly.

“You wouldn't have to,” Rem added. “Our docking bay can easily take on your ship.”

_We could go home. Just like that._ Lister could feel his eyes welling up. _Earth. Fiji._ It was a dream he had almost given up on after all these years.

The hologram glanced over at his long-time bunkmate and saw a look on Lister’s face he had seen far too rarely these days, _hope_.

With newfound resolve he took a deep artificial breath, and slowly reached up to his headband.

Lister mouthed, _what are you doing, man?_

The headband thrown to table, wig pealed from his head, ‘H’ visible for all to see, he said flatly, "Fine. I'll tell you everything."


	2. Chapter 2

"Please excuse me," Rem said softly, visibly shaken by the information she had just received.

Rimmer watched as she rose from the conference table and hastily made her way to the door, eyes fixed on the floor, unable to look at the face of who was- until just a few minutes ago-her god.

The captain paused briefly in the doorway. "You understand," she began without looking back, "that we'll need to verify your story."

"Of course," the hologram replied flatly. "My DNA profile is contained in my light-bee. It shouldn't be any trouble to upload the data to your systems."

"Additionally," Kryten added, "Starbug's flight logs will confirm our having been to your home world."

"Take care of it, commander," Rem ordered, voice wavering slightly, exiting quickly down the hallway and shutting the door behind her.

"Aye, captain," Merr replied with a salute.

The room fell into an awkward silence.

"You seemed rather unphased by all that," Lister finally said, gesturing to the young commander.

"Eh, I never believed much in the Great One," Merr replied, spinning around in his conference chair. "Always thought it was a load of bollocks."

"Your mum didn't seem to take it too well," Rimmer commented.

"The captain is a deeply religious woman," Merr explained. "Not all of our people worship the Great One with as deep a reverence as my mother. It's probably hard for you lot to relate, though. Imagine finding out your god is just some regular bloke."

The feline snorted. "Do you know how many days I wasted in kitty school learning about Cloister the Stupid only to find out that he was just dormouse cheeks here?"

"Did my translator just malfunction?" The commander stared blankly. "What is he talking about?"

"I'm god of the cat people," Lister shrugged. "That's a whole other story."

"Bit of an understatement, that," Rimmer muttered, nostrils flared.

"Question," Merr started, "what exactly is a cat?"

"Oh," Lister said. "I forgot you lot wouldn't know Earth animals."

"That's- not entirely true," the hologram added. "The seed pod did have some on file."

"What happened?"

"I may have accidentally dropped a few of the vials-"

"Ah," the Scouser nodded.

"-well, nearly all of them really."

The room fell into another awkward silence.

"If you'll excuse me, I must attend to my duties," the commander said, leaving the Dwarfers to have the room to themselves.

A few more moments passed.

"Wait," Cat asked, wrinkling his nose, "are you trying to tell me that those officer babes are goalpost head's great-great-great…great-great-great granddaughters or something?"

"Cat, man, where have you _been_?"

~*~

"What you did back there was really brave, man," Lister said, pulling Rimmer aside, "bearing your soul like that."

"They needed to know," Rimmer said matter-of-factly. "Wouldn't want them to take us halfway to Earth and then find out who I was and go smegging crazy on us."

"So, you're saying I should do it?" The Scouser asked.

"You're asking me permission?" The hologram responded, incredulously.

"They _are_ your descendants," Lister began. "I'd feel weird handing over my-well you know-without asking if you were cool with it first."

"I'm not sure if I'm _cool_ with it," Rimmer replied. "This whole situation is insane. But if this gets us back to Earth, then I say do what you want."

"I'll do it." 

The hologram puzzled over something for a moment, tapping a finger to his chin.

"You do realize, Listy, that if we get to Earth and nobody's home, that would mean that all of humanity, what remains, would be descended from just you and me."

"Smeg," Lister said with realization.

"Like Adam and Jane- or in this case Dave."

~*~

"If you two are ready, please follow me back to the med bay," Imme said, gesturing to Lister and Cat to follow her.

"What, him too?" Lister asked with surprise, pointing at the feline.

"Yes, I need to discuss his scans from earlier," the science officer replied.

"I knew they would want a piece of _this_ ," the feline purred, straightening his shiny outfit.

~*~

As soon as Cat hopped up onto the medi-table, Imme activated some device that shined a bright blue light into his face.

"Your scans showed that your eyes have deteriorated with age," she explained, "but not to worry, this will quickly take care of that."

The feline yeowled.

"There," Imme said finally.

"You alright, man?" Lister asked, standing off to the side.

"Hey, you ain't so blurry anymore!" Cat replied, excitedly.

"That's great, Cat." 

"You're uglier than I remember."

Lister rolled his eyes. "Thanks, man."

~*~

The officer then led Lister to another room in the science center. It was mostly empty except for various panels on the wall and a monolith-like device in the middle of the room.

"I'll leave you to it," Imme said.

"What am I supposed to do?" Lister asked uncertainly.

"The computer will provide all the instruction you need." She paused for a moment before asking, "are you sure you do not require any assistance?"

"No no," he replied hastily, shaking his head. "I'm good."

Once she was gone, he examined the large block of a machine in the middle of the room.

"Er hello?"

"HELLO," a computer voiced chirped, a round, glowing slot in the device opening up. "PLEASE INSERT YOUR-"

"You can't be smegging serious."

"-AND THE SAMPLE WILL BE AUTOMATICALLY EXTRACTED."

"I'm not putting me tadger in there!"

"WOULD YOU LIKE SOME PORN?"

"No!"

"HOW ABOUT SOME LIGHT JAZZ?" ♪♫🎵🎶

"Argh! Fine, fine, you don't have to torture me, let's just get on with it."

"AS YOU WISH."

~*~

With Kryten having wandered off to scrub a speck of dirt he spotted down the hallway, and the others otherwise occupied, Rimmer decided what-the-smeg, he might as well explore the ship. He was actually leaning towards being partially convinced that these people weren't going to toss him into a prison for the next few centuries this go around.

He passed by a few crewmen who while cordial to his face, did stare at length, whispering to each other as soon as the hologram was out of earshot.

One particular door caught his attention, having a much more colorful and stylized lettering in the labeling. Rimmer stopped to examine it, but he couldn't read their evolved language.

"There you are," Commander Merr called out, appearing around a corner.

"Curiosity got the better of me," the hologram responded before asking curiously. "What's in this room?"

"Oh," the commander answered opening the door and ushering Rimmer inside, "I think you'll like this."

The lighting was low in the room and was filled with glass enclosed artifacts and art carefully displayed on the walls and tables.

"This room," Merr began reverently, "contains our world's most precious ancient artifacts and replicas."

The hologram was drawn to the main display in the center of the room.

"I completed verification of your story by the way," the commander added. "All the information checked out as expected."

"You-" Rimmer breathed, voice soft, reaching out to touch the glass. "You lot saved it. You remembered-"

"This is a faithful replica of the one discovered buried under our most ancient temple," the commander explained, pointing to the delicately drawn map on the wooden board, each country carefully colored in. "The original deteriorated long, long ago."

"I- tried my best to draw it from memory back then. Oh! You even have the little wooden pieces! And the dice! It took me ages to make those!"

"Risk is still a rite of passage for our people. You aren't allowed to become an officer unless you can win a full game."

Rimmer smiled widely, "Oh, the tales I could tell of my great Risk victories."

"Do tell," Merr replied with sincere interest.

"…so I rolled a three and a two…"

~*~

"What happened to you?" The hologram asked, raising an eyebrow.

Lister plopped down hard in the conference room chair, still trying to catch his breath.

"You look spent," Rimmer continued.

"Do yourself a favor," Lister began, "if anyone here asks you to put any of your appendages into any of their machines, don't. The first go around is sort of okay but then it just keeps taking and taking and taking. Dunno how I have any liquid left in me body."

The hologram grimaced.

"Sorry to interrupt, sirs," Kryten said, popping into the doorway, "but, we've been asked to return to Red Dwarf. They are ready for us to commence docking procedures."

"What are we waiting for?"

~*~

It was a tight fit, but with the Cat's piloting skills they managed to wiggle Red Dwarf into Starship RIMMER's massive docking bay.

Commander Merr met them at the airlock after they parked.

"Welcome back. Once you have your affairs in order we will plot a course and prepare you for the long sleep in stasis."

"Where's the captain?" Lister asked. It felt like it had been a while since they had seen her.

"Captain Rem is- taking some personal leave," the commander responded delicately.

~*~

The next few days were spent putting away personal items and any other perishable supplies into long-term storage-if they weren’t already. 

“Commander, I have something for you,” Rimmer began, approaching Merr with box in hand. 

The young commander gaped at the well worn box that was presented to him, “It’s Risk! We only have digital versions.”

“It’s my own personal copy.”

“I couldn’t possibly take this, sir!”

“I didn’t say you could keep it forever,” the hologram clarified. “I just thought playing a rousing game might raise crew moral while you all man the ship while we are in stasis.”

“Oh, right. Of course!” Merr nodded enthusiastically, and gave a traditional Rimmer style salute.

“I’ll expect it back as soon as we arrive at our final destination.”

~*~

Lister slowly climbed into the stasis pod and started getting settled. The shiny stasis suit they had him put on was a bit itchy. A couple of medical officers to his sides were hooking him into several monitoring devices.

“Remember,” science officer Imme explained, scrolling through the datapad in her hand, “you will be staying in stasis for the remainder of this decade, until our current crew’s shift changeover. We'll then have to debrief the next captain and crew.”

Lister nodded.

The stasis booth next to him hissed shut as the officers completed preparing the Cat.

“Ready, man?” Lister asked Rimmer, who was standing right outside.

“I trust you to turn me back on as soon as they wake you,” the hologram said firmly.

“Always.”

At that, Rimmer willed himself off, Lister reaching out to catch the falling light-bee at just the right moment.

Then the Scouser looked up to see Kryten dashing down a hallway with a mop.

“Kryten, man,” Lister called out. “What are ya doing? It’s time to go into stasis!”

“I've decided to stay active while you sleep, Mr. Lister, sir,” the mechanoid replied.

“It's nearly a whole decade, Krytes!”

“There is just so much surface space on this ship, sir,” Kryten explained, dreamily. “And there are over a dozen active crew! More laundry than I ever had on Red Dwarf. It's like being in Silicon Heaven! Oh, I can't bear to go offline when I could be doing all this cleaning.”

“Okay, okay,” Lister nodded. “I understand. Take care of yourself.”

“Will do, sirs,” the mechanoid chirped happily. “See you in a few!”

~*~

When Lister is awakened, he is greeted by the face of a slightly aged Captain Rem.

“Captain?” he said blinking, slowly taking in his surroundings.

“Dave, apologies for my reaction years ago when we last spoke. Finding out the truth about our world’s origins was overwhelming for many of our people, including me. But, time has moved on- my decade watch is over, time for me to sleep.”

“What's that in your arms?” the Scouser asked.

“I wanted you to meet one of our newest crew members,” Rem responded, lowering the bundle to show the baby she was holding. 

The child very much resembled Lister.

“Would you like to hold her?” she added.

“Smeg, hang on a mo,” he quickly activated Rimmer's light-bee that he had been holding in his hand the entire time. 

“Listy? Are we at Earth already?” The hologram asked, spinning around, before questioning with a puzzled look, “Why are you holding a baby?”

“We are about halfway to Earth assuming the navigational information you provided was correct,” Rem explained. “It'll take roughly one more decade rotation to get there. As for the child, I thought you'd like to see the results of your kind donation.”

“Look, Rimmer, we made a baby!” Lister smiled.

“Don't phrase it like that!” the hologram complained, then turned to the captain to ask with curiosity, “Who's the mother?”

“One of several thousand of the most viable random egg samples from our living database.”

“But who does she belong to?” Lister asked.

“You, if you like.”

“What?” Lister gaped.

“I only thought it proper to at least offer you to keep one of your children, after all, you have done so much for us, Dave.” 

“I-” Lister looked down at the bundle in his arms and then at the hologram, searchingly, “Rimmer?”

“Don't feel that you need to decide now,” the captain continued. “She will go into stasis with the other newborns until we reach our new home. There is a long waiting list to receive a baby. If you so choose, she will go to one of those families. You have helped make that list a great deal shorter, though, Dave. Prior to you, our embryos had a very poor chance of viability. Now they rarely fail. She is success number eleven-hundred and forty-seven, born just a few hours ago.”

“Eleven-hundred?!” Lister and Rimmer exclaimed in unison.

~*~

The Boys from the Dwarf were all briefly reunited to greet the new crew for the next decade before going back into stasis. Rimmer could feel the newly awakened crew’s eyes on him as they were briefed on their Great One's true nature. Kryten was excitedly trying to tell his many stories of his cleaning adventures while the others had slept to anyone who would listen. Cat was still trying to chat up any female officer he could find.

Just a few hours later, they returned to stasis one final time.

~*~

Lister opened his eyes as the stasis booth whooshed open, and a voice echoed- _We have arrived_.

~*~

The formerly-last-human, a hologram, a cat, and a mechanoid stood in front of one of the ship’s many huge viewing windows as the pale blue dot entered view.

“Earth,” Lister breathed.

“We're home,” Rimmer said slowly with near disbelief.

“We're home!” Lister repeated, tugging at the hologram's arm.

“We're home!” Rimmer shook the Scouser excitedly by shoulders. 

“Rimmer!” Lister pulled the hologram into a tight hug.

“Listy?” Lister was sobbing tears of joy into his shoulder.

~*~

“Any life signs?” Kryten asked.

“Inconclusive at this distance,” the Starship RIMMER’s navigational officer replied. “There is a large amount of interference from a variety of signals coming from automated satellites orbiting the third and fourth planet from the sun- also several of the fifth planet's moons. We'll have to land to know for sure.”

“To Ganymede and Titan, yes sir, I've been around...” Lister sang softly to himself.

_I wonder what Io looks like now_ , Rimmer pondered.

~*~

“Fiji? Really?” Rimmer commented. 

“It might still be there, it's as good a place as any to start,” Lister said, starting up Starbug's engines and beginning the descent.

~*~

“Are you absolutely sure this is Fiji?” The hologram questioned. “It doesn't match the maps.”

“It's the correct coordinates,” Lister said, walking out into the pristine sand, looking at the data readout for the third time.

The water was crystal clear. Tropical trees swayed in the wind. A short angry looking lizard person was stomping their way.

“Excuse me, but you lot have landed on my house!”

“Ah!” Lister yelped as he turned to face the source of the voice. “Did that lizard just talk?”

“We are still equipped with Starship RIMMER's advanced universal translator,” Kryten offered as explanation.

“Aliens!” Rimmer yelled, pointing accusingly at their new green friend.

The lizard frowned, glancing again at his tree that was now crushed underneath Starbug and then glared back at the intruders. 

“I'm an iguana, you stupid gits.”

“What's an iguana?” Lister asked the hologram.

Rimmer sighed.

The iguana man tapped his foot impatiently, tail swishing about. The movement caught Cat's attention, and the feline instinctively started to sneak up on the native Fiji inhabitant.

“Wait, Cat, don't!” Lister said far too late.

Cat pounced on the swishing tail. The lizard started hissing hysterically. Cat began screaming. Sand was flying everywhere.

A few moments later the feline was licking his wounds and the iguana walked back over to Lister and Rimmer, severed tail in hand.

“Now, how do you plan to pay for this damage to my person and property?!” The reptile questioned firmly.

~*~

The thousands of souls aboard Starship RIMMER were woken in waves and slowly made their way down to earth in shuttles to find settlement.

Captain Rem and her children eventually caught back up with the Red Dwarf crew. Merr returned Rimmer’s copy of Risk with much thanks, and Lister did decide to keep the child offered to him as his own.

“What will you name her?” Rimmer asked.

“I was thinking Eedie,” Lister responded.

“Eedie? I was expecting something more, I don't know-”

“It's short for Speedie for Jim Bexley Speed.”

“There it is,” Rimmer sighed.

~*~

Rimmer and Lister sat on the beach under huge umbrellas, watching the waves go by. It was a different island than before- they were permanently banned from the lizard folk's island. But luckily due to volcanic activity over the last three millions years, there were several new uninhabited islands of Fiji to choose from.

Eedie played in the sand under their watchful eye. There were the sounds of many other children playing in the distance.

Cat alternated between chasing colorful tropical fish in the shallow waters and wandering off in search of any lady cats that might have made it to Fuchal.

And Kryten, well, the way sand gets into everything presented new and thrilling cleaning challenges.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun, fun, fun, in the sun, sun, sun.

**Author's Note:**

> I've always wondered what became of all the Rimmers on Rimmerworld. I’ve never managed to find any other fics that explored that idea.


End file.
